Today, I thought about deleting my blog. First, I thought about how no one will even be reading this and what’s the point of just putting myself out there if no one is reading. Second, I thought about all the people I don’t want to read my blog or see my films. My family. My entire family. What if they hold something against me? What if they make fun of me, which they would. What if they see my youtube page and notice all the folks that I have collaborated with, specifically the males and then hold it against me. You’re probably confused. I come from an Afghani Muslim family. There is a lot of hypocrisy within the family. Although I am not doing anything that I would be ashamed of, they might take it as something completely different. A world war three could possibly start. Its hard to explain but to my family my reputation is everything. But, for me, I live in two worlds. There is a world that I live for myself and a world I live for them. I mostly live for them and they don’t even know it. Every move I make, and I mean the simplest thing such as stopping at a gas station to use the bathroom, I question. They are always in my head. And this has caused me a lot of anxiety. A lot of it is just me and not them. They leave me alone honestly, and I am pretty blessed with a great family but its still complicated. I love my religion and my heart is definitely a Muslim.
But, my Afghani culture has not been something that I have completed accepted. It has its pros and cons but I just don’t agree with many aspects of the culture. I am first generation, hence my father spends hours of his day watching the Afghani news and tells me to watch the Afghani soap operas so that I can be more cultured. Trust me I am cultured but I am not cultured the way he wants me to be. My parents life story will be another post. Anyways, today I had one of my usual days where I feel like crap. If someone asked me how I am and was looking me in the eye, I would cry. I have no idea what’s wrong with me. Am I depressed? I don’t know. My period does cause me to have extreme emotional moods but is it normal to be moody two weeks out of the month? Truly, it is difficult to be a women. I am only okay one week out of the month. Then for two weeks I am depressed and then for one week, I am bleeding. Why? Why has God given this burden to the women? Is this why in Islam men are the head of household because women suffer so much more than them. Maybe women should have less stress and men should have the burden of the expenses for the household. I don’t know. My opinion changes daily. Honestly though, today, after my work out class, I went to the In n Out drive through, and I ordered a protein style cheese burger with no sauce (250 calories). While I was waiting in the long line, I started crying because I am suffering from some hormonal imbalance and my moods are always extreme but no one in my home has ever asked me…are you okay? If I am ever asked about my mood, it is in a judgmental way…like get the fuck over it. My mom, who is my entire life, never asks me about my long face or my lonesome self. And it hurt, it hurts right now, I am crying right now. I wish she did ask. I wish she cared. I hope after my period is over, that I feel better. I usually do. PMS is horrible and I wish people would take it more seriously. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions to the point where I feel like not doing anything. No, I am not suicidal. My faith in my religion is to strong and the love for my mother would never allow me to cause her so much pain. She has already lost a child. When I tell people about my occasional depression, they are concerned and always jump to the whole “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” I get it. I would too but depression doesn’t always mean death. It means I am in pain and I need you to listen and just try to understand. Don’t lecture me. Just have empathy.
My extreme sadness for this cycle started on March 1, 2019. A job that I was really hoping for, something that I am really passionate about. I really thought that after years of struggling that this would finally be it. But, it wasn’t. The company did not approve the extra payroll. My heart broke. I am not being dramatic. It has been a really hard journey finding my path towards my dream job. I spiraled after this and just had some really low moments of hurt, pain, and just plain old drained. I am so drained. I can’t catch a break. I am finishing my Masters degree in May 2019 and I have no idea what the hell I am going to do. I wanted to become a director of theater or film but I didn’t. No one will even hire me for a plain old assistant job in any of the studios. Why? I have met with people. I have had lunches and reworked my resume over a hundred times to each persons liking and it is still not enough. I have sent thank you cards and follow up emails…Is it because I have no family in the business because my parents are immigrants who just did the best they can to survive in this country. Why am I not interesting enough or good enough?
I am so tired of it. TIRED. Tired of my family asking me so what are you going to do now? Tired of trying to find a plan B but hating ever single option. Why can’t I just be someone that can take any job that pays decent and be happy? Why? Everyone says it will work out but fuck, it doesn’t always work out. It hasn’t worked out and I am tired of hoping it will work out. I am tired of myself hoping it will work. My brain needs to find something else because maybe this isn’t meant to be but it won’t. Everything else I try to do, I am miserable. Why? Why can’t I just be a teacher?
I just exhausted myself and I am going to have to come back to this.