Uncategorized

#20 One Huge Ramble

Happy Saturday

We live for the weekends.

Why should we?

Why do we live our entire lives for retirement?

Why should we?

As Americans, we are workaholics.

There is a system in place. Capitalism. The rich keep getting wealthy off of the middle classes hard work.

You know, I have been trying to make sense of my existence.

A month ago, I had a mental break down, which led to me creating this blog. I had a really bad couple of weeks full of depression and despair.

But, I worked on myself and I decided to change some things. I have come a long way.

For example I have been working my morning job and I am not miserable and that is a huge change. Usually, I am in complete agony to get up and go to work. The job is just not fulfilling but now I try to look at it in a different way.

My feelings have been throbbing to through the epicenter of my scalp all the way to my big toe. My big toes spikes the feelings straight to my neck, and the strain sits.

I have terrible posture. I wish I could have better posture.

PMS was not overbearing this month. I tried some strategies. I drank a lot of Kombucha because I read online that it helps regulate your hormones. I have no idea if this is true but I did it. I am starting to have an acquired taste for it, which is a good thing because it is suppose to be good for you.

Strangely, this time my PMS led to a lot of eating.

My mental health has been very good and maybe its because I am more aware or because last month was so bad or because I have had an epiphany?

I feel connected to the world. I feel connected to Allah. My connection to Allah is very important to me.

I am not sure what’s up with me and I hope that it doesn’t go away. I feel good. I feel mindful.

Maybe my self help book helped.

I started to workout at 6am once a week. It is so hard to wake up but I feel amazing afterwards and my day usually ends up being great. I have been avoiding people that ted to trigger my depression. I try not to overthink. When my mind goes to negativity, I try to stop myself. I have been keeping myself busy and when I am in the car, I try to listen to something, so that my mind doesn’t wander. I try to read everyday including my lunch breaks or any time I have in between tasks. I try to read inspiring stuff. I know if I read or watch something sad, it will be definitely effect me. I have been trying to pray but I only pray when I feel a connection. The connection is sparse throughout the day but it does come. I listen to different Islamic prayers. When I cheat on my diet, I do not let it take over me. I enjoyed my food, which is rare. Before when I would cheat, I did not let myself enjoy it instead I would start self hating myself. I have set goals for myself and some of them are small goals. I have been writing for my blog almost every single day.

But, the best part is the connection with God. As a Muslim, we believe that this world is a trial for the hereafter. We should try to be a good person and not get attached to anything because it is temporary. This belief and my English professor (another blog post for this teacher soon cuz he is a tripppp) have given me a different outlook on life.

Also, I think I have had this revelation about my career that I am not ready to talk about because I am not sure yet. But, I am trying to figure out if what I am feeling is permanent and if it is something that I am going to stick with. None of that wishy washy shit, which I do all the time.

But, I feels good.

I have let go of everything in a healthy way. I can’t control anything but I can control my mindset. My trainer is always preaching to me about how mindset is everything.

I have so many big thoughts right now about life that I feel like one big post won’t be enough. I have to figure out how to break it down so that I make sense of it myself.

I have been hiking once a week.

I tried yoga.

I found a piano teacher.

Small goals that I have reached.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s