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#23 Triggers

I enjoy writing.

I want to start off today’s blog post by saying thank you. I have no idea if anyone actually reads my blog. If the six views that my stats show are actually six people reading my words. I don’t know but I hope so because it means so much to me. If you are reading. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hit the like button if you are reading.

It has been a strange day. My paranoia is on high. Everything is a trigger for the last two days.

My mother informed us that the wife of a distant relative died from cancer was triggering. Knowing that she ate healthy and organic but still died was triggering.

Triggers.

I am not always paranoid about death.

Someday, death is inviting and that is a new chapter in our being. Society has put this negative connotation but it doesn’t have to be negative.

Other days, it is completely triggering.

I spend hours pondering and imagining my loved ones passing away. I picture myself hysterically crying. I imagine deadly car accidents, incurable diseases or fatally being harmed by another.

Hours without my loved ones. Experiences without them.

Or what if I die before them and they go on without me. I will be missing out on everything.

I am not always like this but there situations that trigger these thoughts.

It is unhealthy. It is stressful. My temples are pounding from the stress. I am sure I will die from a stress caused disease.

I don’t know how to stop. I am been like this since I was little but it has become worse since my brother’s death.

Since I have already lost a close family member, I already know what that feels like. But, the worst part is I know it isn’t the last time that I will feel the agony of losing someone I love unless I die first.

There other times where I understand that death is inevitable and that we will all pass away. All we can do is enjoy the experience of life and just keep living.

Easier said than done.

Everyone else is on the grind to success and I feel like I am on a different level and I am not even sure if its a healthy level.

There is all these pressure that society has given us but what’s the point? I can die tonight or tomorrow. I spent all my life trying to reach what society wanted me to reach but I never did anything for myself. Just simply living is a struggle in Los Angeles. I know it is cheaper out of state but my entire family is here. How do I leave them? I don’t want to leave my mom.
Who am I trying to be successful for? Are a degree and a job going to bring me happiness?

This post made me cry. I feel this hold on my throat. The worst part is that I am in a classroom. I had to step out.

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