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#26 Pounding

My brain feels like it’s going to pop. I feel a lot of pressure in my head. It isn’t a headache. Simply just pressure. A lot of pressure. There is no release. I have been like this for a couple of days now. The tension crawls around my neck and leads up to my temple. It’s hard to breathe sometimes. My throat feels tight. I pray to God to help me with this.

I have a bad habit of pondering about the past. Today, Diana, from my group training class advised me to live in the present and forget the past. She said “Focus on the now and the future. Forget the past.” I am sure I did not quote her properly but it was something like that. I love Diana. She reminds me of another version of myself. She is a ball of positivity and she is so beautiful in every way. I feel like a giant ball of negativity like a giant Rasengan (Naruto reference). My Rasengan is black and not blue like Naruto’s.

The family drama does not help my mental health. Literally, it feels like every week is a different type of drama. I need to move out. I would be much happier. I have an attachment to my family but it is unhealthy. Too many people in one house. I am grateful for my time living under my parents’ roof but every time I am home, I just feel anxious. Who is going to erupt next? Who is going to complain next? My room is way too small. My sister hogs the bathroom, which means I keep everything in my room, including my toothbrush in my room. I can’t sleep in the morning because of all the talking. Parking in our driveway is a nightmare. Having a conversation with anyone cause drama. Your words are twisted and turned into something else causing some type of unnecessary drama. There is a lot more.

Trust me. I know how much rent is in LA and I know I should be grateful. I have food and shelter. My mom allows me to have so many pets and yeah she complains but she allows me to keep them all. Also, since I live at home with my family, I don’t have to make time to see them. Everyone sees each other at some point in the day and that is kind of nice.

But, too many personalities under one roof. I am ready for my own place. A cozy bathroom with all my beauty products so I can keep up with my skin routine, which is causing me all sorts of wrinkles. Right now, my skin products are all in my room and I forget to take it with me when I go to brush my teeth and shower. Of course, I can walk back and get it but then laziness gets in the way.

I feel stuck.

There is so much negative energy at home that it weighs in on me in every way. My diet sucks and my work feel super tiresome and my mood seems horrendous.

My mind goes to a younger Frshta.

I had a light heart and loved to laugh. I had long lushes hair that I loved to french braid. I was the motivator in my circle and my positivity was contagious. I had been given so many compliments on my personality. I liked to dress up. I liked jeweler. I liked feeling pretty.

Certain types of people bring this out in me.

You know I am a Gemini. I am super versatile. My moods are always changing and I adapt to my surroundings. Some people just bring a different side out of me.

I miss me. I miss my happiness. I miss my bubbliness. But, maybe that version of me doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe this is the new me. I don’t want to even be around others because I feel like I am just passing my negativity.

I hung out with my mother a couple of times this week. I love my mom but it felt forced. We didn’t say much to each other. Sometimes I wish she would ask me how I am or how I am feeling. She doesn’t. Never. I guess it’s for the better because she won’t understand and won’t try to understand.

For some reason I have a feeling that this chapter is coming to any end. Hopefully soon because right now I don’t even want to dream. Literally, I hate dreaming. I just want my brain to shut off.

~Frshta


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