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#44 Skinny

I sent a selfie to a friend today who commented that I am looking thin. My heart raced. How I long to regain the confidence that thin frshta use to have. Skinny Frshta was a dare devil. Her outer beauty ignited her inner beauty leaving other in awe of her beautiful energy that showed off her marvelous soul.

Skinny Frshta came with pros and cons but it was one of the best versions of me.

I could talk to anyone and I was the life of any party and guess what? I would be sober. Straight edge chick all the way. And you know what else? I didn’t even wear make up because I didn’t need it to boost my confidence. My style was stupendous. I loved clothes which isn’t something that I always loved. But, I felt this high whenever I would dress up. It gave me pleasure and a sense of creativity. It made me happy.

Being thin and looking fabulous in an outfit that expressed my uniqueness was the antidote to a lot of the darkness I felt in those days. Its crazy how much people loved my energy and whenever I was around a group of people it would shine and it was natural. But, at the heart of it all, I was suffering from a lot including the loss of my brother. But, no one saw that when they saw me. They saw a care free chick who loved to laugh. They saw beauty and strength.

I was thin because I wouldn’t eat. I didn’t do it on purpose. I had no appetite. Throughout the day I would have tea and half a pretzel with cheese. I worked like my life depended on it. I spent my entire day keeping busy because I didn’t want to face a lot of the pains I was feeling. When I had any free time, I would sink into the darkness. I would head home in the evening but I wouldn’t be ready to go inside. So I would park a street down and I would cry. I would keep crying and screaming until I didn’t have the energy to do it anymore.

One night it hurt so much that I thought about killing myself. Now don’t be dramatic…we have all thought about it at least once in our lives. I thought about doing it with pills. I would never actually do it but I thought it. So I picked up the phone and called Aaron, who is one of my dearest friends. Aaron said “Frshta just call me…whenever you feel like this just call me.”

I will forever be grateful because I would call Aaron whenever I felt darkness until he got tired of it LOL.

I couldn’t talk to my family about this. It was to personal. They couldn’t see this side of me. It’s weird. I love my family and we see each other every day but there is still so much they don’t know about me.

Talking to Aaron helped. So if you are going through something…don’t isolate yourself. Call someone that is a good listener. Someone that you feel comfortable with. Someone that makes you feel like they care because that is very important.

I would swim too. This helped a lot because my brain would relax.

I am about twenty pounds heavier now. I look at the mirror and I miss thin Frshta. I hate the way my face looks when I smile. My cheeks are huge, I hate the way clothes look on me. I have lost my sense of style because I don’t like the way I look. I am not always on a natural high anymore either. Now my high comes out when I am around certain types of people that help bring it out.

When I first started serving, my energy was always on a different level and it felt amazing. Now it happens sometimes.

I have been trying to loose weight for almost two years now. Its very difficult. I think my eating habits are way better and the last six months, I have been consistently working out. I finally decided to invest in myself. So I have a trainer now and we do group training sessions and they are life changing. For so long, I tried to do it on my own. I would commit but it would never stick for long. Group training is also nice because its a community and a constant reminder of where you want to be. I am no where near my goal but I know this is the right track. My food needs to be even cleaner. The best part about the trainer is that she corrects me when I am not doing something right and if I have questions she answers them.

I miss skinny frshta but I want to be healthy frshta..mind body and soul.

Happy Friday!

Jummah Mubarak to my Muslim brother and sisters.

Have a blessed day.

~frshta

P.S. The picture for today’s blog shows a skinny frshta from years ago.

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