Fourth of July has always been a strange holiday for me.
My brother Yama, was born on July 3.
Every year, we celebrated his birthday on the fourth of July.
I remember one of his last birthdays, my sister and I got his some finches. We got him a huge cake.
When we were younger, we would blow balloons up and decorate the entire house. We have high ceilings in my house…so we would get the wooden tall ladder. It was not the safest ladder but it got the job done.
We would wait till Yama came home and surprise him. You know…lights off…hide behind the couch…and then jump out and yell SURPRISE.
His birthday have always sticked in my brain. I could never forget those memories. It was always so exciting to throw him a surprise party.
My dearest big brother. Is it sad that I don’t know how old you would have been? You died at thirty four and it has been seven years. So you would have been forty one.
If you were alive, we would have celebrated like we did before. But, I know you’re celebrating in heaven.
Since you died. Fourth of July has been an odd holiday. No one gets together anymore for the holiday. I have spent a lot of fourth by myself on my roof.
Tonight I came home to an empty house, I parked my car in the drive way and I opened the roof top of my car. I climbed through and sat on the roof of my car. I watched the fireworks going off around my neighborhood. Red and then green..then white…and so on. I could hear sirens and bangs from the fireworks. I was alone and it was okay. I wanted to be alone. I needed to reflect on my thoughts and on my feelings. In the past, spending fourth of July alone would hurt but tonight..watching the fireworks alone..wasn’t so bad.
I have come to terms with loneliness. Sometimes I rather be alone because no matter what …people will disappoint you. It just part of being human. It is no one’s fault.
Happy Fourth of July