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#51 losers

The first time I ever saw my eldest brother drinking was a shock to me. I idealized him and it broke my heart. I even cried about it because it scared me. He was never a heavy drinker but it would get worse.

My brother was the American dream. He was an immigrant and worked his ass off from the ground up. He was the first male in our family to graduate high school and to go to some type of college. He was a hard worker. He started working at age eighteen while going to college. He became a manager at the 99cents store at a young age. He had a career in X-ray technician and was a hell of a good one. He was a homeowner, a business owner, and owned multiple cars at a time. But, it took him. Alcoholism took him. Alcoholism is a disease, a plague.

I remember one of my old bosses said that alcoholics are losers, he had no idea that my brother was an alcoholic or worse that he had just died from it. I felt ashamed. But, now I feel ashamed for feeling ashamed.

I had an amazing brother. When I think of all our memories together and all the things he taught me..a smile appears on my face. He took care of me and loved me endlessly. When I was hungry he would bring me food, when I was sad he would cheer me up and when I wanted a new pet, he would get me one. He was the best. He went through a lot the last five years of his life. And when people tell me I don’t understand addiction…I just want to shout. Like what do you know about me? I tend to keep things to myself because I am too lazy to explain or sometimes I don’t want to share such a difficult part of my life with others. Maybe your not worthy to hear about my brother. Maybe as soon as I say alcoholic…you lose the empathy you had for me before I said that word. And honestly, I don’t need anyone’s negative energy to taint my brother’s worth. Till the day I die, I will remember his story, his life and the struggle he went through. His struggle gave me a new outlook on addiction because before I was just like everyone else…” oh they do it to themselves”…or “they deserve to die” or “why don’t they just stop?”….

I have no empathy for people like that. I just want to say to them get the fuck out of here because no one needs your judgemental ass here anyways..mic drop. I am all worked up now. Deep breathes. lol

Addiction is a disease.
We should have more resources to help people.

On a spiritual note, recently, my mother told me something deep. It triggered my soul. She said God ( creator, the universe or higher power..whatever it is for you) makes no mistakes. Yama, my brother, was my mother’s first born and they were very close. They were more like best friends. But, she said, God made it to the point that my heart became black. That I let him go. God took me to the point that I thought death was going to be a release for my son. She believes God did this to help her let go. My brother’s death was set in stone and alcohol was just an excuse for him to pass and for all of us to let go. My brother was ill in the end that watching him caused so much pain. It wasn’t him anymore. He wasn’t their anymore. It was someone else. I feel at peace because I know that God has a plan for all of us and nothing is a mistake. And I know my brother is truly in a better place.

Thank you and good night.

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