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#66 Breakdown

I had a slight mental break down on Saturday.

I have been wanting to write but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I couldn’t get myself to write down my thoughts. I really wish I did because I feel like a lot has happened.

Then on Saturday, I felt like exploding. So I wrote what I was feeling. It was very dark and personal. I didn’t post it. I just felt like it was to much and at the time I wasn’t ready. But, I guess I can share what I was feeling now.

When will I stop feeling pain. It’s like everyday is a struggle. I keep trying to feel okay. I keep telling myself it’s okay but I’m tired of trying to feel good. Today, I can’t stop crying. Today, I just feel empty. I try so hard to hide this side of me because I know no one wants to be around a person that is empty. So I try to be interesting. I try to be happy. I try to be positive. But everyday I question what the point of anything is. Everyday I wonder why people wake up and work so hard. What’s the point. Everyday I tell myself it’s going to get better but the truth is…it won’t. It isn’t. I am always going to feel this way. It’s only going to get harder. This is just how it works. I don’t know why. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t have control over anything. Everyday I have bad thoughts. Thoughts of loosing the people I love. Thoughts of my dead brother. Some days I can hear his voice in my head. Someday he pops up in my head and a sharp pain knocks the breath out of me. He’s dead.

I am alone. No one understands. And at this point I don’t care if anyone understands. I rather be alone then hear peoples suggestions or pity or judgement. I rather just be alone and feel what I feel.

I feel like my soul is dying. There is no ounce of passion for life left in me.

I cried most of the day on Saturday. I just felt so helpless. This wasn’t the first time that I have felt empty. I will never forget the night that I sat in my car feeling like I couldn’t go on. It was a long dark night and I was feeling so much pain. I can’t even describe how badly I was hurting. I couldn’t breath. I called my friend, Aaron. He saved me that night. He told me that its going to be okay. He told me to call him every time I felt sad and I did. That was the worst year of my life and I will always be grateful for Aaron. He saved me when I felt like I had no one. This was back in 2014.

Here we are now in 2019. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I have extreme highs and then extreme lows. Life is hard. Finding my way has been very hard. Trying to be successful has been hard.

But, you know…it really isn’t that bad. Life isn’t suppose to feel this hard. I have so much but why do I still feel empty? I just feel like a blob.

I’m sure this to will pass. And I hope it passes sooner rather than laterThanks for reading. It really does mean a lot.

~frshta

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