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#68 Alive

We’re always giving our parents a hard time. We tell them why don’t you ever do anything fun? Today, my brother told my mom that they are boring because they have no ambition to do anything. They have nothing to look forward too. I feel like that. I feel like the future hold a lot of stress and sometimes I am just running through the motions of life.

I wake up, pee, brush my teeth, eat breakfast and do what I usually do. There are a few variations in my day but usually it consists of the same thing. I feel like a robot. I don’t know how to feel alive again. I don’t know how to feel again.

My doctor diagnoses me with PMDD. Basically, I have severe PMS. It’s funny because she described exactly what I feel. Right after my period, I fee a sense of relief and happiness. I am aware of it. Then in a couple of day the sinking starts and it gets worse until I have my period. So I only feel normal for about four days in a month. I told my doctor that I don’t want to live like this forever. It’s exhausting. Some night I fall asleep and I have nightmares the entire night and when I wake up …it feels like I haven’t even slept.

It’s horrible feeling like I’m going to be miserable forever. She recommend birth control, anti depressants or a pill that is made out of flowers. The flower pill is suppose to be the most natural so I said okay. It will take two months before knowing if it is working or not. I am so tired of feeling no excitement at all. PMDD causes weight gain, bloating, depression and anger. So it explains why I can’t loose weight quickly. So when I have a bad day it’s even worse for me because of my PMDD

There are fires burning in LA right now. Believe it or not ..this happens every year. We’re all slowly dying from smoke inhalation. It’s horrible.

I have moments throughout the day where all I want to do is sit and write for my blog but when I actually sit on my bed to do it ..nothing happens. I think it’s better to do it whenever I get the inspiration. That way I actually get the feelings out.

I’ve really wanting to cover the topic of death.

~frshta

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