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#69 Death

Death.

It might be the cause of my PMDD but death crosses my mind constantly. I’ve been told that I am obsessed. I knock on wood constantly throughout the day because bad thought cross my mind and it is said that if you knock on wood…the devil won’t hear you. I know that sounds crazy but I grew up with that.

I have pictured the death of everyone that is close to me in my mind. I cry and I feel horrible. It’s a really stupid cycle. Then I realize that I should appreciate them while they are here. What’s the point of crying for them when they are still here? I have pictures myself dying. I have imagined car accidents and strokes. It’s a sickness. I already know that every dies and all the cliches. I really do. I have experienced the death of loved ones. Mostly of great uncles and aunts.

I remember being a young girl and picturing the death of my parents. I would cry in the bathroom because I shared a room with my sister and I had no privacy.
It would be painful. I think a lot of people imagine their parents dying as children lol or maybe it was just me. Lol

But, when I actually lost a piece of my soul …it was like none of the feelings I had images before it actually happened.

My brother, Yama, was my eldest brother, and he died December 16, 2012.

I remember feeling like why aren’t I feeling more. I remember when I first found out that I couldn’t stop screaming. I didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless. And the worst feeling was the fact that I had to face my mother. How do you face your mother after her first born just died? It was one of the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I had this huge fear that she is going to die (God forbid) because of the sadness.

The first day he died…I had a lot emotions. After a while, you just pray. You pray to God. After an even longer while you say “well we’re all going to die” and you actually understand it and you accept it. We’re all heading towards death everyday.

I spent a lot of 2013 trying to be busy. I hated people treating me differently. I tried my best to be as normal as possible. But, then I had moments where I couldn’t contain myself. I’d melt into a pile of emotions. I reached out to people. I hated being alone. But, there were times where I was alone. Very alone. The long Winter nights felt endless. My biggest relief was sleep.

Times passes by …whether you like it or not. Some wounds never heal but you have no choice you have to keep living or keep trying to live.

Lately, the whole death paranoia is back. I am trying so hard to just live. But, I am really scared of feeling those feelings again. I am afraid of being away from the people I love. Maybe it’s because I am almost 30?

Cancer is scary. I pray that God protects all of us from sickness and bad stuff.

~Frshta

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