It’s my favorite time of the year.
I have made progress in terms of living in the moment. It’s no where I need to be but it’s a start. I have been trying not to let my mind wander and just be as present as possible.
I try not to let my mind reflect on things I have no control over. I just try not to worry. I think I damaged myself through all these years. I damaged my brain because of all the over thinking I do. It was to the point that it was unhealthy. For a good week I felt like I had control over my mind. But this morning I lost it. I couldn’t stop thinking. My mind was thinking in my sleep and I woke up with pressure all over my neck and temple. I took deep breathes and I tried to just calm myself.
Now I’m doing a little better now. But, my mind is wandering to those that have hurt me. Those who have said things to me not knowing the damage they have done. To those that have taken me for granted. To those people that always put their selfish needs first. A lot of those people are still in my life and maybe that’s the problem. I have a hard time letting people go. I always look at the good times or how long we have know each other. I try not to focus on issues. But, I know this is only okay for certain situations. I mean your not always going to agree with every person you meet. That’s impossible and true friendships( this goes for family as well) go through turmoils but the goal is to make it out of together on the other side. To love each other even know you have differences. To enjoy each other’s company. To be understanding and to just listen sometimes.
Last night, when I watched the most recent episode of This Is Us and Rebecca told Miguel maybe her family is to broken after the death of Jack( her deceased husband). Maybe that loss was to much to bare and it will never be the same. Miguel said to be patient but I agree with Rebecca. Her family has moved forward but they are still broken. It’s like they are whole on their own but not together. There is always that emptiness because Jack isn’t there.
I feel like that about my family. We have been broken a long time. There are people in my own immediate family that don’t even get along so let’s not even start with the extended family. You know when I think of my extended family…there is just so much baggage. To much. To much has happened.
I guess that’s true about friendships. I have said in the past that I just that because I was upset but sometimes it goes to far. I am 27 years old. I am not perfect. But, I feel like I am a way better person now then I was in my early 20s. I have grown so much mentally. I have lost a lot but I have gained a lot at the same time. Maybe it’s called wisdom? I am more emphatic towards people but at the same time I am less patient.
I don’t know what the point of this post is. But, I have been questioning how healthy certain relationships are in my life. What does it bring me? Am I happy being around this person? Is this person influencing me in a positive way? Does this person ALWAYS have the best intentions for me? Am I worth it for them or am I just that person they call when no one else is around? Will they support you through thick and thin ? Because man I have my bad days. Do you like being around each other ? Are you healthy for one another ? Do they respect your beliefs even if it’s different from yours ?
A bug just landed in my arm and I smacked it. It bled in my hand. EWWWW!!!
I haven’t thought much about my career and I think that’s a good thing. I try to go to work everyday with a prayer. God help me get through the day. I think it’s better that I don’t think about career for a while and just be content with where I am at. After all it’s not horrible at all. It’s just a job and a lot of people just have jobs and that’s fine. Not everything I do has to be my life purpose. I try not to overwhelm myself with overwhelming thoughts. Just live. If God wants me to do something different then I am sure that path will unravel with time but if there isn’t anything else then this is fine.
I pray that God helps me. Helps my mind and my soul Allah. Because today everything feels like to much.