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#74 I needed to lose me to find you.

I’m nervous.

So bare with me as I bare my soul.

It might take inches but I will get to a foot eventually.

I picture an audience in a dark room.

A shadow that has been lighten by the charming blinking of the light.

You wait.

I breathe.

I breathe again.

I’m nervous.

These words have been on repeat all day. “I needed to lose you to love me”

Yes, those are Selena Gomez words.

I wondered why these line captured me.

I felt a connection but not really. She is referring to her extra lover and that is not my situation.

My best friend told me recently that I have been defeated. Her words hugged me. I felt defeated by the world…by life.

Her words stayed with me.

Defeated.

It all made sense. I have been defeated.

But, lately, I have been just going with the flow of life. I am trying to enjoy life. I have no hopes. No ambitions. No goals. No desires. Just one thing and that one thing is to be happy with what I have. It’s like I am numb but not in a bad way. I feel present. I don’t think being high on ambition is healthy because when we all crash…we don’t want to burn. Moderation is the key to life. Goals and ambition are good but they shouldn’t be everything. Once we accomplish those goals…we will be searching for the next one and what if there isn’t a next one? Or, what if God has a different plan for you and your hopes and dreams don’t come true? So, are you going to allow that to burn you?

Things never happen like you imagine it. So whats the point of driving myself nuts with overthinking? So I am choosing to be content with the present because tomorrow is not promised.

For so long I felt

I am not thin.
I am not successful.
I am not good enough.
My face is to round.
I hate my job.
My neck is to thick.
My knees are scraped and black
My face isn’t clear enough
I don’t make enough money
I am not smart enough

So on…

Lost is what I was and what I am.

I had lost myself.

I had lost my purpose here on Earth.

I lost me to find you, Allah.

And now I walk this planet with the thought that I have no control over anything.

I had to be defeated to find my path back to God.

It is a struggle every day but I am here. And I am trying.

Is this rock bottom ?

The devil visits me often but I try to fight it.

I try to get rid of the bad thoughts.

I have never felt close to God so I guess rock bottom is a good thing. Maybe this was the plan? Even when I thought I had it figured out, I still felt lost and disconnected. But, now…the connection has been thriving. Thank you God. Thank you for helping me find you again even if that meant I had to lose myself. I love you.

~frshta

P.S thank you selena for the music

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