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#85 Hello? Is it you I am looking for?

Life is difficult but sometimes we make it difficult.

I am guilty. I am so incredibly guilty of doing this. And it has become such a powerful force in me that I can’t control it.

The last couple of days have been mentally draining, which has caused me to physically not want to move. My bones ache and crack. Oh, how I wished I could sleep for a while longer. You must be thinking what is wrong with this girl?

Well, in all honesty, me. That is whats wrong.

I think things happen for a reason. God makes no mistakes.

There has been something wrong with me for the past year and I think this weekend was my rock bottom. I won’t go into this because it is personal. Yes, personal.. to personal.

I kept asking why and my emotions were uncontrollable. One night after work, I had to pull over and I kept screaming until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t understand.

It wasn’t what had happen during the weekend it was more of everything. It was everything that I have been trying to figure out the past year.

I don’t even know if I am going to explain this right..everything was very fresh.

I hated myself for a couple of days,

But, you know, I listened to a podcast today and I talked to Kim, my trainer..and something became clearer.

I need to fix myself. I need to stop projecting my energy onto others and I need to stop being so fucking negative. This had to happen because I am ruining those around me. Even if I am not physically doing anything …my attitude does effect others. I know this to well. When I am in a great mood, my customers leave me bigger tips and they always leave so happy. When I am not in the mood and I am not even being depressing..I am just not as bubbly…well, that makes a difference too. I rarely going into my serving job with a bad attitude because I honestly, enjoy my customers and I enjoy the job. It has good days and bad days but that is life.Everything has good and bad days but its all about your perspective.

I have said before that I feel like I have lost who I am and my purpose. But, its time we get back there. A job doesn’t define who I am and neither does money. And I need to get a hold of myself and my life.

I am tired of sulking and woes is me. I am sick of being unhappy. I want to be happy. I want to feel again. I want to feel alive again. I want me back. I want my passion back.

I want the people around me to be lighten up by my joy and for them to feel my love in the most healthiest ways. I don’t ever want to bring people down or make them feel bad.

I love hard and sometimes that’s overwhelming because I love you so much I try to fix everything for you. I have good intentions but man I can be fucking annoying.

Everyday is a struggle but I will keep trying every single day.

So I think this episode happened for a reason. It was God showing me what I am doing to others around me. I am not only hurting myself but those around me. I need to do better for all of you. I need to work on myself and on my anger. And maybe this needed to happen so that I could change and be better.

The pressure that life gives us will never stop. Neither will work or stress but we have to find the joy in everything we do. And if we can’t find any joy in our day to day life then something has to change. We must make an intent to change it. Find something new to bring you joy. Whether that means you play a new game or get a new outfit. You know what made me feel good yesterday? Lipstick…I never put make up on but I do like lip stick. I don’t have any. So I took my mom’s lipsticks and I slabbed some on…and it made me feel a little bit better. Also, I heard on the podcast today that a gratitude list is very helpful but..I don’t know.

I try to be grateful but making a list just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe you can give me some tips?

Also, Kim said to me today …if all you do is focus on being depressed then that’s all your going to see in life. And then in the podcast the women said if your depressed then something in your life needs to be changed. Sometimes it’s a medical matter but sometimes it’s not. It’s just your life and you need to make some changes.

So, my intent is to have a healthy happy life with my loved ones. And to love each day with joy and fulfillment. God please bless those I love. Please help them in whatever they are struggling with and let me be the light for them if I can. This world is tough God but please help us. Amen.

~Frshta

P.S. I love the sun.

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