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#96 Hopeless

Disclaimer: I am about to be very negative and I will be complaining a lot. A lot of feeling sorry for myself. So if you are not in the mood for that, then don’t read it. I don’t need you to be effected by my energy.

I started the New Year on a good foot but yesterday, was a bad day.

I got into this huge fight with my dad over nothing. My dad has this problem where he jokes around but if you joke back then he cries like a little BEEEP. I left the house crying and letting my mother know that I hate living in this house. I was embarrassed for crying and I have been crying a lot in front of my family. I get so angry and I have all of this build up inside of me.

My chest was hurting and I couldn’t breathe. I kept thinking about all the bad. Moving out is expensive and Los Angeles is fucking insane. I don’t even want to live here anymore.

Here I am..trying to keep my faith when honestly, it is gone. I don’t see an end to my problems. I have two fucking degrees and I can’t even find a job that I want to do. I am 27 years old and I still live at home in a toxic environment. And please don’t tell me that I could change all of this because that isn’t the case. Moving out in L.A is almost $1600 for a small apartment and yes, I can afford the rent but how will I ever get ahead? I will be living paycheck to paycheck.

You can suggest I leave the two jobs that I hate but where will I make money? I actually make a decent amount at these jobs. So working somewhere else that will require me to work 50 hours a week at some bullshit office and still making less that what I am making right now doesn’t seem very smart.

But, yes, I know ..at least your mental health will be better. But, I will be struggling financially which will open a new bag of worms.

You know I don’t ask for much. I don’t want to be rich. I don’t like expensive stuff. I just want to be happy. My entire life I had these big dreams. I dreamed about becoming a film and theater. I dreamed about becoming a professor and teaching young adults about my specialty. I even thought about teaching history or biology or film or theater. I love school so this seemed amazing. I wanted to shoot my own films and go to film festivals. I wanted a farm with a lot of animals because they make me so happy. I wanted to open a comedy club that serves tea. I wanted to open a coffee shop and run a business. I wanted to create a Muslim devotional. I wanted to write a book.

But, fuck nothing seems possible. NOTHING. Every door I try…I just keep getting hit by the door with it.

But, look at me now…I have no ambition left or desire. I had to sit here and remind myself of those dreams because I had forgot them. And once I started recollecting them..I started to feel pain.

Where have I gone? What happened to my soul? Why am I so fucked up?

Nothing feels possible. It feels like I am stuck. Where are you God? Why aren’t you listening? Why aren’t you showing me the way?

I lost. Life kicked my ass hard. I don’t have the strength to keep my motivation. I just go through the motions.

One of my dreams now is to stop feeling so horrible about failing.

Alas I am being extremely dramatic because it ain’t so bad…like rocky would say.

I didn’t pray today. I don’t think God is listening and I don’t have the strength or hope. Maybe God has forsaken me?

Deep breathes.

I hope these ugly feelings don’t last forever.

If you made it this far. Thank you for staying. Thank you for reading. And I am sorry that I sound like a ungrateful asshole and indeed you are right.

~Frshta

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