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#99 Dear Mom

Dear mom,

I don’t know why but I feel so much angry towards you. I don’t know why.

You and I have always been close but you jinxed us I think. You told everyone how close we were and since then it’s like something is between us.

I can’t talk to you properly. I guess I feel like you don’t love me as much as you say you do.

Do you want me to be truly happy? Sometimes I feel like you put me in this box and you want me to stay there no matter what. You don’t care about my happiness. You care about people and your reputation. But, what about my mental and physical health? I know if I told you this? You would disagree and it would hurt you tremendously. I know I am only seeing this one way right now because I am upset and I am not thinking clearly. Hence, I just try to stay away from you. I don’t want to say something that I don’t mean.

Sometimes the worst thing you do is stay silent. You know I am sad or not having a good mental health day and all you say is it’s in your head. Or, you just stay silent. There is no feeling of love from you on those days.

And maybe that isn’t your intention. You might have never experienced something like this.

But, it hurts.

Sometimes it feels like you value my brothers more than me.

Sometimes your so negative about everything and you act like you know it all. If I want to buy a new shirt, you always say…you have so much already. Maybe your right but sometimes that’s what I need.

I know I am painting you as the bad person and I know that’s not the case. You try so hard. Anyone that knows YOU always says what a great person and mother you are.

You have sacrificed so much for your kids. Your whole life is your kids. You stayed with my dad for us. You cook and you clean for us.

Everyday when I came home from school, there was always a meal. We grew up poor but you always made it seem like we had so much.

Your hair is a bit scary at night and I was scared of you as a kid.

When I was sick you always made me soup and held me so I felt comfort. You still do this.

There are so many great things about you and your the best mom. I wouldn’t ask for another mother ever.

We have a home because of you and when your not their it just feels like a house…an empty house.

When I was little, you always checked my homework even though you didn’t know English but I never knew that. You put values in me that have made me who I am.

But, I am still feeling this blockage in my head and I can’t move past it.

Momma I feel this with a lot of people. A part of me just wants to isolate myself. I don’t want to hear anyone because I am mentally drained. Like, I can’t think and when I do…it’s to much. So I am taking it day by day and I’m trying hard to be better.

But, I wish I knew why I feel angry with you like exactly what has triggered me.

I think I am most angry because you belittle my feelings and you don’t try to understand.

But, deep down inside, I know you don’t do it on purpose. I think you just don’t get it.

I use to cry when I thought about the fact that one day you might not here unless I die first. I still cry about it. How can I live without my mom?

So I feel like a jerk and I want to be a better daughter but I am just so angry.

I am sorry. Life is hard and I am so far from perfect. Please forgive me.

I know one day I will regret all the times I spent being a brat towards you.

Frshta

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