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#100 Marriage Story

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I re-watched Marriage story today. It is award season and I love to watch all the nominated films and Marriage Story was one of them. I was inspired to write this poemish. I don’t know if a poet would call it a poem but I do I guess. I have never been married so I don’t know what a divorce feels like. But, I do know what it feels like to break up with friends. I know it very well. Watching these two actors yell at each other reminded me of so many different moments with family and friends. I noticed a few underlying themes though. Selfishness, anger, and wanting to be right. Charlie kept saying lets just deal with this privately but Nicole went to a lawyer because she was angry and hurt.

I’ve been in both of their heads before. I was Charlie and thought we would be best friends forever and you never hurt me. I have been Nicole where all I wanted was revenge. I wanted to be heard and I wanted to prove myself just like Nicole. But, even thinking about these feelings is exhausting and the worst thing is holding a grudge. I have the personality where I am mad for ten minutes and then I move on unless your my father then it sucks for you. I forgive easily and I use to let people walk all over me. My brother died when I was twenty years old. I didn’t get to say a lot of things to him. That will stay with me as a lesson forever. I started to forgive people who hurt me because I was afraid of leaving on bad terms. Actually when my brother died, I let people back into my life that walked away from it on their own for their own reasons of course. I am not perfect so I am not sitting here saying boo hoo. I know I have made mistakes. But, this type of behavior continued with me. I was very reliant on my friends and my job. I felt like I couldn’t be alone ever and I would do anything for people that were dear to me. My friends were my family before my family was even my family. I was stupid and I had a good heart. I never took things personally. But, then shit started happening. I was being used for my kindness and I didn’t realize it. Being my father’s daughter, it was in inevitable.

I learned that people only worry about themselves. They don’t think about your heart or how it will effect you. When its convenient for them, they will be around and when its not the they won’t. Most of the time, no one is listening because they don’t care.

Honestly, I am not as kind to people as I mentioned before. No one sees kindness. I got tired of being taken advantage of. Before I would say, “oh its okay,” but then I realized that this person never helps me in return. I know one shouldn’t expect anything from others but after giving one of my coworkers a ride home every night because she had to take the bus…and I wanted her to be safe because it was late….you would think a simple thank you card..but instead this chick stopped being my friend after her boyfriend told her to stop talking to me. That is just one example of shitty ex friends. Oh and I was the one that set her up with her boyfriend.

My best friend told me once “well, frshta, maybe this happens to you because you don’t value yourself.” This has stayed with me since the day I heard it.

And honestly, I have changed and it sucks that humans made me change. I don’t like doing nice things for people anymore..no one appreciates it.

I don’t chase people anymore. I don’t even try to explain myself anymore because you don’t listen anyways. I don’t share much about myself either because my life doesn’t need to be told to everyone. I value myself now. I have no problem being alone and I have no problem with not having the last word. Am I over all the fucked up people that have come into my life? No. Far from it. But, I have fucking learned from it. I can read people. It has always been a gift and most of the time I know when I am being bull shitted. Again, you won’t ever win if you keep arguing so I suggest you watch…listen and learn. The quietest people are always listening to the loud room. Protect yourselves because this world is tough and the people in it will rip you apart and then turn around and say they didn’t do it. Just the way Nicole walked into Charlie’s apartment and said “we should talk about this “and Charlie said “well, that is what I have been saying all along…”. Well, Charlie, Nicole wants to talk about it now because its to her benefit. Get it?

Heads up to anyone that’s reading this. I am not angry but I am passionate. This movie brought some old memories but not in a bad way. You have to be aware of your past and you shouldn’t be afraid of talking about it. Because it happened….and it does not define me or you. You just learn and try to do better. You have to be okay with being alone and being happy with just you.

Anyways, I can go on and on about this lol ….thanks Marriage Story for some writing inspiration. I wanted to write something special for the big 100 post but nothing exciting came to me…lol but then I watched this movie and this is what happened.

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE THAT READS MY RANTS. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME EVERY TIME THAT I CHECK MY STATS AND ITS MORE THAN ONE VIEW. IT MAKES MY HEART LEAP. THANK YOU TO MY SUPPORTIVE LOVED ONES FOR ALWAYS READING AND CHECKING UP ON ME AFTER I WRITE SOMETHING REALLY DARK. LOL THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU.

A LITTLE POEM inspired by Marriage Story

you captured my soul

I can’t turn back

you love the sound of your own voice

I hate your voice

you love to fix people

I just want you to listen

you say I am dramatic

I say you never try to hear me

you walked away because I was boring

I know you will never admit it

you want a knew life

i was your new life

~Frshta

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