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#105 r.i.p.

The energy in LA has been very somber the last couple of days. At least for those of us that feel anything towards Kobe.

I keep replaying the way he died in my head. A helicopter. That ten seconds of going down from the sky and knowing your going to crash. The children in the helicopter knowing that they are going to crash. The impact of it all. The parents scared for their children’s lives. It’s all horrible. It’s so horrible that it makes me sick to my stomach. It doesn’t feel real. You know so many people die tragically everyday but I don’t know …this hit everyone. I guess it’s because we felt like Kobe was a part of our existence. For me, it hurts knowing how horribly he died. It is such a tragedy. Like words can’t even describe how horrible this entire thing was. The fact that the bodies aren’t even intact…fuck. And then you just think about all the families that lost someone in the wreckage and who they left behind. Mannn…

The irony of it all …the night of the Grammys on a hillside where so many celebrities live.

The other irony …there is a cartoon that shows Kobe dying in a helicopter from almost two years ago.

The next irony Kobe has told Tracy McGrady that he wants to die young so that he can be immortalized. I am assuming Kobe said this when he was younger.

The next irony ..ten years ago Michael died …ten years before that Princess Diana died …. and now Kobe. Will ever new decade be started like this?

I couldn’t even get through Shaq statement on ESPN without tears in my eyes. The NBA has been changed forever.

I don’t think I will ever forget this.

You know I’ve experienced loss. I’ve lost someone that took a piece of my heart with them. So I feel it even more because I know how it feels. I know how it feels to loose someone and how as much as you cry and scream and yell….they don’t come back. Your like God…look at my pain …have mercy on me…give me my loved one back …but they don’t come back …and you just keep going because you have too. You have no choice. Death is just a real thing. It could happen any moment and it fucking sucks. It hurts so bad. It’s the greatest pain you will ever feel. And I don’t think it ever goes away. You just learn to live with it. But, you can be in the car and hear a song that reminds you of the person and just collapse. That’s happened to me. This tragedy happened about 30mins from where I live. I’ve driven to that area so many times. It’s so close to home. I just wish I knew if it happened quickly and that they didn’t suffer. It would give me some peace.

I keep saying that I’m going to stop watching and reading the news but I can’t help it.

Man…the world feels so dark right now and so helpless. We’re so small in this entire universe. I feel paranoid. I’m scared of loosing my own loved ones. I’m scared of feeling that loss again.

We don’t belong to anyone other than God and to God we will return. Allah is great.

Honestly, all of this makes you put life into perspective …what really matters and what doesn’t.

I just keep turning to Allah. I don’t understand anything or any of it but I put it all in God’s will.

Rest In Peace to all nine passengers.

Rest In Peace to Kobe who gave me such wonderful memories.

To the children that died, I am so sorry that you have been robbed of your future.

To the families …I am so sorry. I know nothing I say will make it better. May God be with you.

To all my family, friends and those close to my heart …I love you. Don’t you forget it.

To Allah…I love you. Don’t leave my side. Ever. Please help the world get through this. Please hello the families that lost loved ones get through this.

Thank you for reading.

P.S. the winds are scary tonight

~frshta

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