Yama

#126 Yama Part 1

It was a cold rainy day. I was working as a store manager at a toy shop. It was December 15, 2012, the holiday season was in full swing. We had just survived 12/12/12. You know, the day the world was suppose to end according the the Mayan/Aztecs calendar. But, the world didn’t end for everyone but for some it did.

I was in the creepy break room, which was actually the storage room. To be honest, most storage rooms are dark and creepy from my experience. I guess it doesn’t really matter what a storage room looks like since it’s just there for back stock. I really hated sitting there but I did it anyways. It was a really busy work day and I just wanted to rest my legs.

The staff had ordered burgers and fries from In n Out. Of course I got a chocolate shake with it. In n Out was never the same after this day.

I had just taken a bite from burger when my phone rang. It was my sister, Geeti, and she was quiet. If you knew Geeti, then you know if Geeti is quiet then something wrong.

She said, “Frshta, something happened…”

And, I knew that life was about to change forever.

I didn’t even let her finish her sentence.

I couldn’t control myself.

I kept wailing and screaming.

No tears were coming out. It was just screams for a while.

My coworkers stumbled in and had no idea what to do.

I went outside. I needed a moment to process what was happening.

My coworker followed me outside. He was the last person I wanted to be around. He said, let’s pray. We don’t even pray to the same God. Yeah, it’s nice and all that two people from different religions can pray together but his attempt was not sincere and I felt it. He was there because he felt like that’s what he was suppose to do. Also, he had a crush on me and the feeling wasn’t mutual. I don’t know…he kept telling me all this corny shit like just to say it. You know what I mean?

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that Maybe he was trying to help but it did not feel that way. It did not feel genuine at all. The last thing you want to hear is “oh, he’s in a better place” from someone that doesn’t even know what’s going on in my life. I just wanted him to leave me the fuck alone. I don’t know why I am so angry about this now. I wasn’t even angry when this actually happened but now when I think about it …I wish I told him to take his fake sympathy and shove it. This coworker and I aren’t friends anymore and I hope I never have to see his disgusting face again. Maybe that’s why it’s so upsetting because I now know what his intentions were which, is another story for another time. It is crazy how the older I have gotten…the more I understand the people in my past. Things have just become clear. This coworker was sitting with me because everyone else at my job picked him to console me because they didn’t want to deal with my situation. He did it because he felt like he had too. I should have just left but I had a responsibility and I did not know how to walk away from it. Also, another story for another time.

I never experienced death like this before. I mean I had gone to funerals of my parents’ acquaintances. I had lost a couple of pets and those honestly, hurt a lot. But, I had never experienced someone so close to me passing away.

I didn’t know how I was suppose to act or what I was suppose to do. I mostly panicked because I was worried about my mom. They say loosing a child is the worst type of pain and it should never happen that way.

I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to feel what feel and I understand that now. I didn’t want fake pity. Honestly, when someone dies ….there is nothing you can say and I understand that now. I think no one understands death until they have actually experienced someone they love pass away and before the passing of my brother …I didn’t understand it either. There is just no way of understanding it. How could you?? I wish no one understood death.. I wish no one had to feel that reality and that we could all live forever.

Experiencing death has pros and cons. I ope you don’t confuse what I am saying by “experiencing death.” There are different forms of death…the actual dying part and then experiencing someone dying. I am talking about experiencing people die ..if you needed that clarification.

I’m sorry sometimes I feel like I have to always clarify what I am saying because it can be taken the wrong way.

Finally, I went back into the store and I called my boss. I couldn’t compose myself. I just said “Ron, I have to go home” with a face full of tears.

He said, “What’s wrong?”

I said, “my brother…he might be dead.”

Ron said, “oh no..on no…okay just go…don’t worry.”

I finally left the store and I drove to the hospital, Valley Presbyterian Hospital, it was the same hospital that I was born in.

It was that moment that I started looking at hosiptal’s in a different light. Hospitals can bring so much joy yet so much pain. My mom gave birth to me in this hospital but on that day…her son was dying in the same very place.

To be Continued.

Have a beautiful day all.

~Frshta

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