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#152 Is motivation a lie?

It has been a crazy couple of weeks.

First off, Ramadan finished. Right after Ramadan, Muslims celebrate Eid, which is essentially our Christmas.

Unfortunately, Eid was not the most festive. The last couple of days of Ramadan were extremely stressful and Eid was the same.

I am not going to get into it because its to personal to share here but it hasn’t been easy.

I am being triggered in so many different ways it is unbelievable. I just wish the gym would open so I can at least feel like I am doing something productive towards my day.

I promised myself that after Ramadan, I am going to start exercising again and being healthy but now I feel unmotivated and low energy. I know I need to get past the whole motivation part and just do it. Trust me I try….but then I have no energy to do the work out. I am proud of myself because I jump roped for 15mins today. I broke a sweat.

I am so tired of being at home. I need a major break from my family. Like, I just need space. It is getting to the point that is toxic but I know I can’t just abandon my family during this difficult time. But, sometimes I strongly feel like our home is cursed. Like this house is cursed. Like my mom always says..ever since we have been in this house…things have been going down hill. The sad part is there is no SMART way out. At the same time, it feels like its never ending…like we have forgotten what happiness is.

I pray that God helps us.

I miss my friends and my gyms.

I keep trying to wake up early every day but it isn’t happening. I wake up and go back to bed because I am just not motivated.

I’ve had thoughts about is this what life is going to always be like? This never ending limbo. Market isn’t dropping. Rent isn’t becoming cheaper. My passions aren’t succeeding.

I feel like before quarantine, I was in a good place mentally but this last two weeks have been mentally draining. Ramadan was just a beautiful month and I felt such a peace until the drama started. Even then, I felt okay but since Ramadan ended..I have been feeling super low.

I know this is a giant ramble and I probably don’t make sense but I just needed to get this out.

Also, I need to stop eating sweets!

Sometimes I just want to slap myself …like snap the fuck out of it. Figure your shit out because life is not stopping for you to figure it out. I am not getting younger and my looks are diminishing. By the time you know it..I am going to be an old lady…trying to figure out why I never figured it out. But, I literally don’t know how.

HELP ME GOD. Give me strength.

LOL

Deep breathes.

I’m good.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. Happy late Eid to my Muslims followers. Sorry I am late. Eid Mubarak.

~Frshta

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