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#157 To my city.

Wow, this blog felt really good to write. It has been a while…HI EVERYONE…I’ve thought about writing everyday but nothing has inspired me…and sometimes when I try to write…nothing comes out…I don’t know if this piece even makes sense..but I have been having mixed feelings about my city and I just wanted to write about it. I listened to the song I posted on repeat while I wrote this blog..and it makes no sense why it helped me write but it did. The song is about love…and it really helped me dig deep into my feelings about my city. I promise I know that I could be so dramatic at times…trust me I am aware..throughout this blog.. I cried..and laughed…but it helped my numbness…and I appreciate all of you sticking around even though I would have walked away from myself already. Bare with me…I am trying. Thank you.

So maybe while you read..you can play this song on repeat as well?

A full moon with shining stars underneath the L.A. smog.

I hate the smog, all the L.A. folks do but it’s part of of our reality.

Will Smith said to Jada, his wife, that he could love her through anything.

That’s romantic.

Can you love me through anything and actually mean it Los Angeles?

Yes, this is a tribute to my city, Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, when La La Land was released, I made sure to watch this film on the big screen. The movie theater was so packed and I got a seat right in the front because there was no room anywhere else. There was a lady next to me with her dog…who wanted my nachos…the dog wanted it not the lady. LOL I gave the dog some. And you only experience this in Los Angeles.

What I remember from that film other than the contagious sound track and the love story between Ryan and Emma is you LA….my city..my worldly home before I go to my final home…. I love you.

I love the way you allow me to hike up to the top of your mountains where I could see all of your extraordinary views…and truly what views you have…you are my love story.

Driving down Victory Blvd, which leads me up and down the valley.

L.A. you have given us the best people. L.A. natives….cheers to you… We belong to you Los Angeles. Although we have all of these transplants that call us trendy and make fun of our love for avocados and healthy foods…deep down they wish they were as cool as us or else why would all these folks be coming from all over the world to visit you and admire your beauty?

Traffic sucks on the 101 and the 405 but that’s part of our identity.

I love that I can find food from all over the world right here in Los Angeles.

I love the blazing sun that leaves freckles all over my skin LOL

I love all the languages we speak.

I love how you speak Los Angeles..that my sound silly but you are always speaking to us all in so many different ways.

You will find the whole world right here…in Los Angeles.

Thank you Los Angeles for making life feel magical even on the worst days….when I feel down in the dumps…your beauty lifts me up…and when I climb your mountains…I feel closer to our higher power…I feel like we talk as I sit and stare down at our city. You make me feel alive even when I don’t want to be alive.

It hasn’t always been the best between us.. you chewed me up and spit me out many times….and my heart was broken to many times and at times I don’t think it will ever be put together ….but we all have broken heart but the cracks make us human..right? I appreciate the cracks..they have definitely shaped me.

L.A. you and I are going through a rough patch…I can’t feel you my city. The emptiness is taking over ….is it over between us? Do I need to walk away? Where would I go? Why don’t the things that use to make me feel alive…just make me feel dead now? Am I dead but alive at the same time? Am I just a body that breathes, yet walks through life…lifeless my love?

What do I do to take away the numbness? How do I get excited about life again? It wasn’t suppose to be like this…it was suppose to be get better. But, even if I have all my dreams come true..will I still feel lifeless?…Does it not matter? Because darling that’s what it feels like…like nothing matters…it doesn’t matter how hard we work or strong we are…nothing is enough…..because when dreams come true…we want more…why can’t we just be content with good health?

Ryan and Emma didn’t end up together L.A…they went their separate ways…life separated them…their personal dreams came true…she became a star and he opened up the jazz club…but their dreams about each other didn’t come true.

City of Stars…..that’s the song Ryan sang….but we don’t all shine down here in L.A…some of us are trying so hard…so hard…to just be around those that are shining. But, L.A. why can’t we all win?

We got the dreamers disease…and we only get what we give.. I guess.

Just in case you haven’t heard the song.

It’s okay.

I still love you. Your my city. We belong to each other no matter what. Because even when I leave, I can’t wait to go back and see our local street vendors and our streets that are haunted by past lives.

I understand..my old dream wasn’t for me…help me find a new one love…inspire me…bring back the passion..let me be alive again…don’t give up on me because I haven’t given up on you.

xoxo

Cheers,

Frshta

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