December 16, 2012 changed my life. It was the day I lost my big brother, Yama. Today is his death anniversary. In the past, I always expected to be extremely emotional on his death anniversary but honestly, you become emotional if you allow yourself. I think about him then I cry. It doesn’t matter what day it is. Sometimes I just choose not to recall the memories because it is just easier. Today, a family member said , “isn’t it sad that the family has forgotten Yama.” I respond to this saying ” they didn’t forget, it just hurts to much to remember.”
On my twenty minute drive to work, I tend to feel many emotions. Often, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I tend to get into my own mind about all sorts of things. Today, I cried on my twenty minute drive to work. I cried because I could still hear Yama’s voice in my head. It was one of the things I was most afraid of when he died. I thought about how I would eventually forget his voice but I haven’t. I hope I never do. I recalled the day he died and that time in my life. I recalled the days after he died and how it changed my family. The memories hurt just like I knew it would but I allowed my mind to go there today. I allowed my mind to think of my dear brother, Yama. I miss him very much and all I keep hearing is “fat fish what are you doing.” Yet, I understand that he has died but it just sucks.
Something weird happened afterwards though. I parked my car and went into work. As soon as I got there, they sent me back out on deliveries. I was back in my car and I was dreading it. I was dreading my solitude because that meant my mind would be racing again. Surprisingly, it didn’t. When I walked outside with bags of food, it felt like a cool Summer evening. I love Summer evenings. They are my favorite and my mood was so uplifted. The weather felt so strange and I felt strange. I felt happy and hopeful but I don’t know why. It was so strange. I can’t even explain what happened. I blasted some Selena in the car and spent the night delivering food to folks. I sang along to La Carcacha and Besitos. I felt happy and calm. It was a different type of happiness and I hadn’t felt it in a long time. It was kind like feeling peaceful. I wondered when it would ware off and I was afraid something bad was going to happen. Whenever I feel happy, I always anticipate something bad to happen next because I am sure I have cast an evil eye on my happiness.
Strange but good night I guess.
What do you think happened?
P.S. If your just reading this for the first time..feel to read the Yama series on my previous blog.