Last week, I wrote a long blog about 2020. The blog described the ups and downs I went through during the year. As I was writing this blog, I felt a heaviness and a darkness come over me. I was reliving old emotions and feeling angry. It is recommended to write out your feeling because it is a form of therapy. Yet, I felt that the 2020 blog carried a heavy weight to it and I started becoming depressed. I wrote a lot but I never finished the post. It is sitting in my draft right now.
Unfortunately, my mental health has its good days and its bad days.
Today, I felt better after a week of anxiety and depression.
I stopped writing my blogs during the second half of the year and I am sorry for my absence. Honestly, I just wanted to disconnect from society. I didn’t want to share anything with anyone because I just felt so….I guess vulnerable and weak. I knew how fragile I was and how anyone’s words or judgements would really effect my mental health. Honestly, sometimes you just need to respect your own boundaries and take necessary precautions. I missed interaction with loved ones but sometimes those loved ones are not good for your mental health. I decided that I need to start thinking about myself and I decided to isolate myself as much I could. Some days my living situation can be very difficult and it’s challenging to even get out of bed. I try so hard to be productive when I am at home but it’s just doesn’t inspire me creatively. I spend so much time over thinking some days that my entire day is gone. I hate my mind sometimes. I wish I could just get my act together but I am trying my best to take it day by day. I try to cancel out the negative noise around me and spending time working on myself.
Anyways, I decided to post the 2020 blog because I want to get all of that built of energy out of my system. I apologize for all the typos. I just didn’t have the motivation to go back and correct my mistakes.
It is finally 2021. One of the trends of 2020 was saying how horrible the year 2020 was and how excited we are for it to end. I always found that very unusual because it’s not like our problems are going to go away magically once the clock hits 2021. Life doesn’t have a reset button.
2020 was definitely an unusual year full of catastrophes, surprises and things we never experienced before. We learn to slow down and we learn to wash our hands more often. Our local business shut down and a lot of us lost our jobs. Even if we kept our jobs it still looks completely different than what we are used to. Many jobs started becoming remote and essential jobs had a new list of health procedures that needed to be followed in order to keep the public safe and yourself. We had to get used to the face mask and for some of us the shield. When it first started, the world seemed dark and miserable. Slowly, we started to adjust to this new lifestyle. It did take a while and many were scared that they would run out of food and toilet paper specifically. The lines at the grocery stores were very long and Instacart helped people survive.
A culture that is so used to showing affection by hugging each other and shaking hands has now turned into people being scared of each other. One of the common phrases I kept hearing was please don’t come to close to me.
Then there were folks that do not believe in the pandemic and thought it was all a lie. They walked around without a mask and laughed at those that were scared. They joke that the pandemic would magically disappear after the election and that this was all a scam. It was bigger than what the public thought it was. At the same time ICUs are seeing record high patients and deaths are increasing because of COVID around the world.
The election was what we all thought it was going to be. It was a complete catastrophe between candidates who did not respect each other. Nonetheless Trump lost and Biden will be our next president.
Interest rates all right a record low and homes are being purchased at record speed. Yet, prices have gone up tremendously.
There are those that are profiting off the pandemic yet that wasn’t the case for everyone.
Children started to go to school online and it was a learning curve for the teachers and the children. We all did our best given these unpredictable situations.
Personally, it was a different type of year for me. It all feels like a blur right now. I remember creating my yearly bucket list of goals and things I wanted to do. I remember Kobe Bryant dying. I remember talks about a dangerous virus. Parents and staff started panicking at schools. Shortly after school started shutting down. Then restaurants started shutting down for dining services. Then gyms shut down.
Everything was taken away so quickly for me and it was a scary two weeks. I don’t do well with extra time on my hands. I’ve always been a person that works well whenever I have a lot of things going on. Honestly, it could have been worse.
I gained weight too. I was the highest wait that I had ever been and that freaked me out.
I always said if I had extra time I would do all of these things that I never had the time to do. Once I had that extra time I froze and it might’ve been because I was worried about my future. How can I focus on passion projects when I don’t know where I’m going to be in a couple of months. I remember my body feeling really achy at one point and it might’ve been from all the stress. I tend to over analyze in general therefore everything going on was not helping my mind. I started working again which was a blessing. Soon after the riots started and buildings were burned down right down the street from my home.
It was like one event after another.
In the midst of all of this I was dealing with my own family life. I’m sure some of you can relate. I was concerned about my elderly parents who have underlying diseases which can cause them to die ( God forbid) from COVID-19. I had another one of my brothers dealing with mental health and addiction. Of course I had to deal with myself too.
Again, when you spend a lot of time doing nothing your demons start coming out and taunting you for things that happened in the past and that don’t really matter anymore. Yet, they do matter because if you don’t correct yourself you’re going to keep making the same mistakes.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but I think this was the year where I just had enough. I am a good person and I have a good heart and I care about those people that are special in my life. I always have positive intentions and if someone doesn’t appreciate me, and respect me then something needs to change. I noticed that I tend to fall into the same patterns with people. Friendships have always been an issue with me. I think the problem is I get too close and then it’s too hard to walk away. I’m not sure what happened but during the summer I just didn’t wanna have anything to do with anyone anymore. I stopped going to my outdoor workouts with my personal trainer and I stopped keeping contact with friends. I was so tired of feeling like crap every single day because of what other people thought of me or what other people thought I was doing. I was mentally exhausted and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Especially with the stress of my brother’s health and other personal things going on within my family. I live with my family so it’s kind of hard to tune them out. That’s the sad part about humans we never try to consider what’s going on in other peoples lives. We just like to run our mouths and we don’t care how it affects other people. I see this constantly because I work in customer service. A customer gets the wrong food or an employee forgets to add complementary bread to their order and it’s the end of the world. Is it really that serious?
As grateful as I was that I have a job, it was one of the hardest years for me working at the restaurant. I thrive off of people and I love serving but I felt isolated. The worst part was the coworkers I had now were complete assholes. They taunted me for being a woman, for my religion, for my personality and so on. I went to work every day forcing myself and feeling horrible the whole time I was there. Management tried to address the situation but you know how that goes management tries to address the situation but you know how that goes.
I started to mentally spiral. I was always in a bad mood and my brain would not stop thinking. I’ve been through these types of situations but I really am tired of these types of feelings.
For example my brother lost his brother from alcoholism yet he decides to follow his footsteps. I’ve tried to help but you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. I am so tired of worrying about others who don’t even care about me or anyone else. Just like my brother there are so many people who are selfish.
Good things happened last year too. I chose me instead of others. I chose to take myself out of the equation when things weren’t working. I stood up for myself and I didn’t let the fear of loosing something stop me from making sure my mental health was okay.
I learned how to play piano! Finally, I was able to take lessons! The best part was I found a teacher who teaches me for free!
I lost 14 pounds after being at the highest wait ever! The best part was finding a way that worked for me. I started running a mile a couple times a week and intermediate fasting. I found flexible eating which was such a good feeling. Running was difficult but it worked. If I didn’t feel like running then I made sure to walk at least ten thousand steps. After almost three years, I finally lost some weight! I am nowhere where I need to be but man…results feel great. The fear of going backwards is definitely there.
I did some comedy LOL and I was pretty funny. Covid safe.
I took a lot of walks.
Oh! I am going to be an auntie for the first time.
I pray for a better 2021. I pray for peace. I pray for happiness and health. I pray for positivity and opportunity. I pray for guidance.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring enough to read my blog. It means the world to me.