This entire blog entry was inspired by Katherine Heigl (the lady in the picture above).
Gosh, I could related so much.
A room full of people I call my friends when a question comes up on an ice breaker app.
The question is “who is the most dramatic in your group?”
The entire room points at me except for one person who was probably to afraid to point at me because of the backlash later.
I felt my heart sink. Am I really a drama queen? Is this what everyone thinks of me? I wanted to discuss it but we had already moved on to the next question.
I tried so hard to not show my true emotions on my face.
I was hurt and I knew if I said anything everyone would say “look how your acting.”
I thought should I apologize? I wanted to know when I was being a drama queen so I can recognize the action and correct myself. Again, I couldn’t. I just brushed it off.
I have always been outspoken. It’s one of my biggest flaws and one of my biggest blessings.
Yet, I am been training to censor it as I have got older.
Is it sad that when I am in a group of friends I just stay quiet ? I try not to say much and I try to control what I say. I am so scared to say anything because I don’t want to be misunderstood or judged or be told that I am to emotional or I’m being dramatic.
Last couple of weeks work has not been the best. I have been clashing with my manager who has been extremely rude. He asked me to work a shift and I said I couldn’t. He proceed to say “ I will remember that,” which made me feel threatened. I explained that a comment like that was unethical and he just ignored me. For an entire week and a half, I felt so much anxiety and pain. I wish I didn’t because it’s not that important it’s just a job. Yet, it haunted me. When I met with my piano teacher on Sunday, I explained what happened at work. Gandalf said, “ Frshta, you need to say what you feel because when you don’t it builds up inside and you know what happens then… you get a disease like cancer or stroke.” His Word scared me because it’s not worth getting sick over my job for people who don’t wanna hear me out or try to understand me. Why should I kill myself for people who won’t even miss me? Still the last thing I wanted to do is cause drama at work but it must be important if it was bothering me this much. I marched into work and I went straight to my general managers office I spent five minutes explaining myself. The general manager agreed that statement was unprofessional and he will address it. I walked out of the office and the manager that I was complaining about exploded on me. I had only been at work for less than 10 minutes. He asked where I was and I explained that I was talking to the general manager. He commented that I shouldn’t be talking about my personal life and i explained that I wasn’t. I explained that it was a work matter and I never bring my personal life to work. Believe it or not, I am a very private person. He fired back at me “I am not in the mood for your attitude, so cut it out before I send you home.” At this point I lost it. I haven’t cried at work in a very long time. My eyes filled with anger. How dare this jackass talk to me like this? In my previous job as a manager, I made sure to talk to people with respect because it doesn’t matter if your a manager or a dish washer. Everyone is entitled to respect. I stormed out and walked back to my general managers office. I explained what happened and he tried to calm me down. I grabbed the deliveries and I went to my car. I called HR. HR said that he will address the situation.
The sad part was that the injustice was done to me but here I am feel bad for getting another person in trouble. I swear it’s like the screws in my brain aren’t screwed on right.
When I got back, we had a sit down and the manager explained that I approached him with an attitude. This triggered me even more. I said “ just because someone is explaining themselves in a firm voice doesn’t mean you can categorize it as attitude.”
You know how sick I am of hearing “ your angry… you have an attitude?” Guess what? It’s always coming from a male.
I have been told I have “to many emotions.”
Maybe there right ? Maybe I do have to many emotions and that’s why I’m so fucked in the head. Maybe everyone is right…I am dramatic. Who wants to be around that ? Should I just choose a life of solitude?
No. That isn’t the answer either.
We all feel insecure in our relationships, work environment or just in our own skin.
Giving up isn’t the answer. Solitude isn’t always the answer either.
What I try to do is not act on my emotions. If something is bothering me for more than a week then I should address it. Sometimes you feel emotional at the moment but then later it doesn’t even bother you. Sometimes I need time to really think about the situation and what is really bothering me.
Every day I try to be a better version of myself and not let my emotions get the best of me. I try to control my emotions but at the same time I shouldn’t let others control my emotions either. Sometimes the people around us can be toxic especially if you are not able to express your feelings without being judged.
One of the healthiest things you can do for yourself and others is to be honest. Personally, when I get something off my chest, I feel a weight lifted off of me. It can be hard but if your loved ones really care for you then they will listen. They won’t tell you to stop, or your to much or your to dramatic or your difficult. They will understand and discuss the situation. I know it hurts trust me but you have to do it for yourself. Either realize those people are not for you or try expressing yourself. Don’t be afraid to walk away from people who are not right for you. Doesn’t mean they are bad people, just means they aren’t right for you. This goes for friends, family, and so on. Trust me, if you are not fitting into their lives, they won’t think twice about having you in their lives.
Don’t break yourself for others.
Critically think. That’s the goal.
I feel like this I have so much to say in regards to this topic but this blog is long enough. LOL