I have been trying this new thing. I am trying my best not to allow my thoughts to control me. Whatever is going to happen will happen. Sometimes I might feel like I have control but I really don’t. I have control over nothing but myself.
My nephew was born on February 19,2021. I am finally an auntie! Little guy is one month early but he is strong enough to come home. He doesn’t need breathing tubes or anything. May God bless him. He has brought so much joy to a home that has experienced very dark days.
Yet, I have mixed emotions. I already love my little nephew so much and it scares me that this bundle of joy is going to be out in this world some day. I have seen the ugly side of this world and I am sure all my readers can relate.We have all seen the ugly side at one point. Still, I must put my trust into God.
I am close to finishing TESOL certification which means I can teach abroad. I have thinking about teaching abroad. I want to teach in Japan but for a Summer. I don’t want to leave for a year. I want to try teaching a bunch of places all over the world. But, I am so scared. I am sure I won’t do it because I am a chicken.
Last week, I was so sick of myself. I told my best friend that I am so mentally tired of myself. I just want to be someone else. I want my brain to turn off. I am tired of my brain. It won’t shut off. Do you ever wish you could be someone else for just a day? I wish I loved myself more because I know I should. Yet, there are so many days that I look in the mirror thinking about my flaws mentally and physically.
There are so many day that I just don’t want to deal with people anymore. I am so sick of letting people make me feel like crap and then blame me for me feeling that way.
I am okay.
Last horrible sentiment. I would never kill myself. I love my mom to much and my faith and fear in God is to mighty. I rather live than reach an ending that I already know will come. I rather live and see what happens. I still have some hope that my life will be worth while. Still, some days I want time to fly by. I want to be an old lady and get life over with. If I make it to old age, I will see so many people I love being gone.
At the same time, I am trying to get out of my head. Whatever will happen will happen. Just be grateful for the moment.
Gosh, I am going to do my best to be a good auntie.
I am just taking it day by day, hour by hour.
I feel like my blog has gotten so boring. All I talk about is my feelings. I promise I will try to make it more interesting. At least I am sticking to one goal. Post a blog every week !