like we’re all wasting it

Do you ever just want to smoke a cigarette even though you have never had a cigarette before?

I do.

I have this urge to smoke a cigarette at least once a week.

I even dream about smoking a cigarette.
Just writing about it makes my lips crave it.

The irony of it all is that I am completely clean from any type of drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol. I have never had a drink, a puff, or anything of that sort.

I promise.

So why do I have this craving?

I think it is God’s way of communicating with me to never smoke.

In general, I have an addictive personality and I fear that if I find an unhealthy vice, I won’t be able to stop.

Therefore, no matter how badly I want to smoke a cigarette, I won’t do it.

It is just so strange to me that my lips tingle for it.

I want one right now maybe because of my anxiety.

I have an abundance of anxiety. It has been hard to focus on Ramadan when there is so much life stuff on my mind.

LAUSD is opening up this week and it is a huge transition. Our hours have changed and extended. I am trying to figure out how I am going to survive working from 8 am- 9 pm while I am fasting. I will get it done but I got used to working from home. To be honest, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the extra time I got to sleep every morning. I loved waking up and being able to walk to the kitchen and grab a glass of tea. I was able to have home-cooked meals every day. I spent more time with my pets and my family. I would walk around my neighborhood during my lunches or breaks. It has been nice and the thought of going back to work is bringing all of these unhappy memories.

I have such a hard time enjoying my substitute teaching job. Many teachers have said that I am a natural teacher and that I would do great. I have been at this job for more than five years and all my colleagues are wondering why I am not a full-time teacher yet.

Some days I tell myself “just become a teacher, it is the safe way.” Most days, it is a flat-out no. Full-time teachers always say if I have my class I would like it. I have been a long-term substitute many times and I haven’t felt connected to the job. Other times I think I am just being silly. Someone once told me that a job is a job to help provide for your future. So what am I chasing?

There are things I love about being a substitute teacher. I love the heath insurance, I love the hours and I love having Summers off. But, I don’t like babysitting. I think a lot of times that’s what teaching grade school is. Parents are a whole other battle. I love that substituting doesn’t take up my entire life.

I had jobs that take over my life completely. I would never see my family or friends.

Waitressing is fun for the most part. I enjoy talking to people and I love food. The money is good usually and I like the five-hour shifts. At the same time, I don’t like how I have to work nights always. Sometimes I wish I could have my evenings off.

Wouldn’t it be easier just to get a 9 am-5 pm? I work two jobs right now from 8 am- 9 pm. The thought of a 9 am-5 pm sounds dreadfully boring. I have done that too and I did not enjoy it.

I know I am very annoying. Trust me somedays I just yell at myself..”WHAT DO YOU WANT!”

I don’t know.

One day I wanted to be a professor, then I wanted to be a film director, then a politician, then a theater director, then back to filmmaking. Then I quit the film industry and wanted to open my own business. Guess what? I know nothing about business and I know you are thinking “well, do your research.” I have but it is not the same as hands-on experience. I wanted to open a cafe, or a movie theater or a museum, or a festival. I wanted to go back to being a professor or a writer. I thought about opening an online store too. I have tried finding jobs at Halloween Horror nights.

$&%*(#((@UJFJEJE!!!

FRUSTRATION WITH MYSELF.

EVERYTHING IS SO HARD.

I have been trying to save up for a house my entire life…guess what? The prices keep increasing in L.A. There’s another lost dream.

I feel like I waste so much time just thinking about all the things I want to do but I never execute because I am scared. Or, I just don’t know-how.

I learn better when I am getting hands-on experience. I have tried finding a coffee shop job but no luck. Businesses are just trying to survive right now honestly.

Someday I just stop thinking about all of it and I just accept my life. It isn’t bad. Maybe if I just let go, I can be still and happy.

How do you know what you are supposed to do? What is the right path? How do I know? I just feel like I am stuck sometimes.

I am grateful for having jobs. Please don’t get me wrong but I’ve always been ambitious. Honestly, I drive myself crazy. I want to change. I just want to be happy. I just want to be okay with what I am doing. I am tired. Tired of my mind. Hey, we all have to whine sometimes right?

Now that my whining is done. I plan on approaching this week with an abundance of positivity and grace. I am not perfect, but God is still with me. All I can do is my best like Naruto always says!

Naruto: “do your best”

Love,

Frshta

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