I have wanted to write a blog about my personal goals, but I have been putting it off each week. Other topics seemed more interesting.

I think I am ready to write about this.

A lot of times, I prefer not to tell anyone about what my goals are. First, I am afraid of getting jinxed. I know I am superstitious. I am frightened of being jinxed or jinxing myself. Next, I am anxious about failure because what if it doesn’t happen? Then, I look and feel like an idiot. I usually tend to tell just certain people.

Right now, I have this sensation to say fuck it. Who cares if I fail? Who cares if I look like an idiot? Does jinxing even exist? As Joe Rogan said, life just fucking happens, so fuck knocking on wood.

I am tired of been scared.

I don’t care if I am judged or told that I have too many interests.

I am a fucking artist.
I know it in my bones.
I feel it in my soul.

I chose not to pick a practical career because I chose to be an artist. I tried to pursue a career in something that would be practical. I couldn’t follow through with it. Even writing this, I feel anxiety. I can hear others laughing at me. In my head, I picture people that have watched me on my journey laughing at me. They are saying “well, look how that worked out for you?” I am going to turn that side off because it has been all I have heard my entire life.

Things I want to accomplish in my lifetime.

Be a better Muslim.
Read the Quran multiple time
Pray five times a day.
Dress modestly.
Give charity.
Continue to be better myself as a Muslim American. Have gratitude for life.

Write books.
I have wanted to write books my entire life. My first book was about the haunting of my grandmother’s old house. I wrote it when I was around ten years old. I still have it. I majored in English for graduate school so I could learn to write a book. Instead, I wrote a chapter for a graphic novel. I was scared of writing a novel. I was intimated by all the professional writers who were published. Here I was, a horrible writer, who constantly, double-check her grammar. Yet, I couldn’t give up even after I received my Master’s degree. I am going to do this, and it won’t be overnight.

Books I want to write.
An Italian Restaurant inspired by Billy Joel
A personal look at my career in the film industry
Najia, an Afghani Muslim mother
I have started two out of the three, but I can’t get my scatterbrain to focus sometimes because of how tired I am from working all day. Sometimes I wonder if I should post it on the blog? Who cares if I am not a published writer. I want people to read my work. Forget the money. These are stories I need to tell. I am very proud of writing twenty pages of “Yama” because that was a goal.

Make movies & direct plays.
I hate the film industry for taking away the joy of making actual films.
I am not meant to work on films or at a studio. Nothing ever works out. I think I am meant to make my OWN films. I want to DIRECT my own films. That has always been the goal. Every always says, just pick up a camera and film. It is not that easy. I get caught up with the quality of the film and a million other things. I want to someday just enter film festivals. Not to make money but to experience the joy of seeing my film at a festival. I want to direct plays and have a full audience. I love theater.

Teach at a college
Another reason I went for my Master’s degree is to teach at a college. I want to teach English literature and writing. Also, I want to teach film and speech.

Opening my own tea/coffee shop.
For the last couple of years this dream has been haunting me. Should I do it or should I not? I am going to do it. Let me know if you know anyone giving grants or a great location. I have been working on this goal and it is slow but at least I am working towards it.

Buying a condo/townhouse/house
I have been working on this goal for almost ten years. I can’t wait to host gatherings and celebrate Halloween in my home someday soon hopefully?

Learn the piano
So far, I can play scales. I can sort of read music and I know two songs.

Read more books.
Currently, I am reading Little Women, Wicked, Frankenstein, Freedom, and Rupi Kaur.

Sewing
I can sew tote bags, pillows, pants and scrunchies.

Work out consistently. I want to be able to run every other day.

I will stop here but it feels good to write this down.

These are all things that make me feel.

God help me. God help us all.

Thank you so much for being here and reading my blog each week. It keeps me going and it brings me so much JOY.

Love,

Frshta

One thought on “#203 I am a fucking artist.

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